16 years have passed. 16 years during which I’d no effective consciousness of my own. Now, returning to normal, though it’s proving to be a gradual process, what do I do now? Right now, I haven’t got much of a clue.
The general idea I had of returning to old ground to re-engineer my relationship with those years threw up a problem I hadn’t envisioned: those years had kept me from addressing the key questions of life from a realistic perspective. Now, faced with what should be an unrealistic environment, those questions remain to be addressed and so made more difficult, though not insurmountably so. The signs are already evident that time should be a great healer.
Do I pick up the pieces of where I left off 16 years ago, do I incorporate any of the past 16 years, even though they seem so remote, do I somehow start afresh? What exactly do you do when you emerge from such a time when all the people you know seem obsessed with that time while you are at a loss of how to take your life forward now?
What exactly is my consciousness? As yet, that’s unclear. There’s not been enough time beyond the frequent druggings I’ve received for a stable personality to emerge, though enough, perhaps, to point to something worthwhile, something to look forward to, however unclear that vision currently is. Impatient as I am, after losing 16 years, the time ahead needs to be made use of, but how and when? It will take time to adjust to a mind not clouded by druggings and it will take time to adjust to an environment I haven’t really been familiar with for over a decade-and-a-half, whether that’s an unrealistic one or not.
Who do I mix with and how do I mix with them? What are my interests? How do I conduct my daily life? The thing with all this is that, though the answers are currently fairly obscure and, despite my impatience, they’ll emerge in time, sure enough.